Rest assured, Zuckerberg will never be this cool.
Sigh. I was hoping I could Facebook-free for six months before writing this blog–six months sounds a lot more legitimate than three months–but with all the controversy over Fake News-gate, it just can’t wait.

To preface this–because I’m about to defend him and I hate that I have to–I can’t stand that little weenie Zuckerberg. He reminds me of one of those guys who are always whining about being “friend-zoned”–you know, the “I’m such a nice guy, I was nice to her and she didn’t want to fuck me, WOMEN ONLY LIKE ASSHOLES” whiners, except about everybody who ever dared criticize him. 

I shall save that for another day.

In Zuckerberg’s case, he is the very prototype of the friend-zone guy who has billions of dollars and waaay too much power. In other words, he is a resentful, petty little tyrant who can afford to buy a football team to kick your ass, so you better just better watch yourself, dude!

Having said that, quit blaming Zuckerberg for the election. Partly, because it’s ridiculous to expect a Junior Fascist to check everything for accuracy; he is far too occupied  with rubbing his hands together and squeaking his evil laugh–world domination, LOLs. No. Well, yeah…but that’s not why. First of all, Zuckerberg is congenitally humorless, which means he overreacts to criticism…and he’s getting mighty defensive about being accused of allowing “fake news” to flood Facebook and, hypothetically, bringing about the rise of the Orange Empire. For the record, Zuckerberg has donated huge amounts of money to liberal causes and is educated, after all, which gives him a 90% chance of NOT being a Trump supporter. Which is probably why he’s getting all shrill about being blamed for “fake news” cropping up on Facebook…and trying to double down on his already disturbingly rightwing propensity for censorship…and not just of pictures icky breastfeeding mothers, either.

Anybody who knows me for maybe five minutes knows that I am the fiercest First Amendment proponent out there. Whatever is left of our “democracy” begins and ends right there; no other freedoms are possible without it. So…unless you’re are using language which would clearly incite violence, I’m okay with even the vilest people saying even viler things. It is a necessary evil to protect one of the few cool things left about this country and I will go down swinging before I give on that. And Zuckerberg is already a little too fastidious about that sort of thing.

Don’t believe me? Well, if you’re not too terribly needy, try this little experiment: go on Facebook and write a long, outrageously insulting status on Zuckerberg. I mean, go brutal. If you’re not feeling terribly creative, you can borrow some of mine: “Herr Weenie”, “Dork in the Hood”, “geeked-out goonie with more power than penis”, “crypto-fascist little creep”, “Skippy Stalin of his electronic banana republic” etc. Think I’m cruel? Okay, let me give you some context. I was already steaming over his foot-stamping edict that forced members to use their legal name, issued with typical peevish Marky-Mark tones: “People should have to use their legal name!” Achtung!! Der Dorker has spoken. No allowances for nom de plumes, for performers, like some wonderful burlesque and drag folks I know, nor even any allowance for people who might have very legitimate reasons for not using their legal name, like work discretion or even women hiding from abusers and/or stalkers.

“I am TOO, a demon!!”
Personally? I would have had a lot more respect for him if he just admitted what we all know, anyway: “Without your legal name, I can’t sell every single bit of your personal information and the information of everybody on your friends list and contact information to anybody willing to pay the price.” 

And if you didn’t already know this, yes…really.

Anyway, one of the people I cherish most in the world was being harassed–scary harassed–on Facebook. Since they refused to help, she altered her very unique name slightly to resemble a famous place. Somehow, they found out and were demanding that she send them a scan of a government-approved photo ID or they would suspend her account.

I felt…provoked; I posted as much.

Aaaaand suddenly, I was in social media Siberia. I mean, no matter what I posted–political, humorous, serious, heartfelt, unhinged–crickets. For…weeks. MB thought maybe I was being a little paranoid (as he has said so often in the past and is bound to for the rest of our lives), so I conducted a poll amongst my closest friends/family. They hadn’t seen anything–at all–from me in weeks. Since I had a habit of suddenly getting bored and fucking off FB for days or weeks at a time, they just assumed that was what happened.

Eventually, I served out my sentence and social media civilization resumed. In the meantime, my oppressed Facebook VIP cleverly added a punctuation mark to her name and et voila! she was welcomed back into the fold. But then other little Zuckerberg crackdowns would occur and I would go off on one of my tirades and find myself again cut adrift for a few weeks and then slowly I would be allowed to return.

Seriously–give it a try. He really is that petty.  And it’s not just me or (almost literally) the rest of the world; Zuckerberg-style censorship is swift, arbitrary, bewildering (so…it’s okay for Syrian grandmas to post pics of boiling ISIS heads, but–ew, cooties!–over a non-sexualized boob? Yep) and, apparently, non-negotiable. It would not surprise me at all to learn that he has his own personal schutzstaffel hired solely for that purpose…and I have zero doubt that he will go on a Stalinesque purge of any perceived “fake news”.

But what the hell is “fake news”? I mean, as far as I’m concerned, FOX is fake news. Lately, CNN is fake news. As is Alter-net or any number of shrieking yellow journalistic media outlets. News, like history, is fluid and inherently subjective; having somebody as thin-skinned and ruthless as Zuckerberg approve or reject THE TRUTH is pretty chilling. It would be better to have hundreds of items from the old Weekly World News (sigh…miss you ridiculous hacks) than one precise, Zuckerberg-approved, hyper-fact-checked article in my feed.

So, how do you know what is “fake news” or not? It’s called fucking judgment, people! READ. Read from multiple, established outlets and then a few underground sources, too. Check Snope’s and PolitiFact and Glenn Kessler. Read the same story from multiple perspectives and it will become fairly apparent what is utter bullshit and what is good old-fashioned, all-American journalistic bias.

As the X-Files contradictory tagline went: The truth is out there…nah. Not really. Trust no one.

I’m not done with you, Zuckerberg; Part II of what might be a never ending series of why you really need to free yourself from Facebook is…imminent

Free yourself. Take back your mind. Fight for your soul.


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